Journal Entry: Tue Mar 31, 2015, 2:35 PM
All the fucking words I'll leave here... all the photographs all the drawings all the looks all the grins all the saves all the sins, all the dust and all the rust could never cover what I've done. The mind transcends time, and all lives on there, the material always gives way to grace. I walk below the oaks and the palms with a heart cracked, like the 1/8 inch glass in a picture frame it sits spider-webbed waiting to fall to pieces onto the ground... and when it does, all will be exposed, the hardened fiber of the old paper, the stained fading from the sun and lights, the edges jagged and disintegrating, ready to turn to dust and return to the very soil from which they came. I've always let my heart do the talking and my feet do the walking, and that has gotten me in the very predicament I'm faced with once again. I dismiss the science and place my money on the ethereal, I look to the unknown for the wisdom and leave the knowledge to those worried about such trivial matters. I dig the old and undermine the young, I keep my temperature up, I keep on moving, pushing forward, pressing the mind, pulling at the soul. It's all about those four letter words, soul, love, hate, make, push, pull, fuck, shit, four, more, pour, take, bake, blow, know, give, glow, race, pace, word, face, wink, melt, self, mush, mash, bash, walk, talk, like, bike, move, open, come, came, name, fame, game, rain, fire, wind, snow, roll, sway, pray, live, and life. A student of all who has the balls to denounce the norm is the only I have time for, a function and a form, a movement and a being. the settler without the still.
I had to drive to the city today to take a class and exam in order to receive a state certification for work. Between downshifting and weaving through traffic on I95 I started to get an odd feeling... and for some reason I took an exit to escape from the mayhem of the interstate, and on the next highway I had one of the strangest visions of my life. It gave me chills, and put massive weight on me, it struck me so hard... the sense of deja vu was overwhelming. As I merged onto the long stretch of highway it hit me like a brick in the face. A few short months ago my fiancee and I were returning from a trip in the mountains, and I was driving on this same stretch of highway. It was absolutely one of the happiest moments of my life, even though it was simple and quick and we were tired and road weary, for some reason I just remember being at complete peace on this stretch of the ride home. We stopped for gas and she got in the passenger seat and I took the wheel for the remainder of the ride home. We were both so beat, but she sat back and relaxed and I enjoyed the road as the sky grew darker and darker with shades of blue and violet. She was fading, her gorgeous eyes half closed from exhaustion. It was unseasonably warm, and in the distance towards our home I could see the sky flashing as the heat lightning lit the dark clouds, bringing the navy blue to a beautiful electric hue for just a second, and on one or two of those flashes I glanced over at her and she looked so relaxed, so satisfied, so in love - and I knew she was, and so was I. In the mess of my life it was one of those rare moments of perfection, one of those beautiful times that will remain in my memory forever, until the wheels come to a halt, until my heart no longer beats. Today, on this ride home I hit that same stretch of highway, but this time it was daytime and I was alone, and things were far different than they were just a few short months ago. Sadness overwhelmed my being and my eyes welled up, shards of my heart rattled in my chest, broken pieces, sharp and painful, relentless and unforgiving, cutting with every bump, bleeding more with every mile. The despair was thick and the loneliness deafening, the silence being the reminder of just how alone I've grown, of just how far she's already gone. And I thought about those glances that night in the car, I thought of the sky lighting up, I thought of her and how my gold and jade ring hangs on a rope by my heart now, instead of resting in its home on my left hand. Limbo is a hell of place to be... I hate it with a passion.
As anyone who knows me in the flesh, knows during times like these I've really little to say, though my fingers flutter and fling out words that will never cross another's eyes, but I've always found my solace in music, and I seem to shy away from the dark and heavy progressive music I usually find myself fueled with in favor of more traditional music, so the one's pumping through my headphones lately have been Shovels and Rope, Shakey Graves, and Lake Street Dive, all are quite impressive, LSD being one of the tightest technical players/singers I've ever heard. And last but certainly not least, The Wood Brothers... I loved Medeski, Martin, and Wood... but not nearly as much as their current work.